spark

i'm mommy and i know it

Somewhere along the way, my five-year-old heard the song "I'm Sexy and I Know It," and it made an instant impression on him. I don't think I even gave the song much thought until I heard him singing the title line, stuck on repeat. The kid has a knack for hearing songs and playing them back to us later. He is almost always singing. 

My first reaction was to think that, ugh, do I really need my five-year-old to know the word "sexy"?  And then I wondered, what does he think it means? And could I really stop him from knowing that word, anyway? And then I decided not to worry about it. I'll save my worry for explicitly sexual and/or misogynist lyrics. This one goes in the "mostly harmless" category.

This morning, I was helping Griffin figure out the screen time schedule (a new breakthrough about which I will write soon), and Xander walks in singing. When I tuned in to him, I realized he was singing, "You're sexy and you're mommy." This made me laugh, and then I wondered again, what does that mean to him?

Me: "I'm sexy and I'm mommy?"

Xander: "Yup."

Me: "What does sexy mean?"

Xander: "It means very, very pretty."

Me: "So I'm very, very pretty?"

Xander: "No."

Me: "What am I, then?"

Xander: "A little bit pretty."

Me: "Oh, so sexy means really pretty, but I'm just a little bit pretty."

Xander: "Yup."

Gotta love that candor.

Now, I might get my nose out of joint about this, or lecture him about insulting people by telling them that they're not terribly pretty, just a little bit pretty, but the thing is, he's five, and he's just honest. To him, I'm not sexy. I'm mommy. I'm pretty enough for him to admire, not pretty enough for him to fall head over heels in love. Which is fine, because I'm mommy. 

This is a normal kid thing. He's learning what pretty is, how our society defines it, how he defines it. He's learning (slowly) about tact and social appropriateness. I'm fairly certain that ten years from now, he will not be telling some girl or boy that they're pretty, but not that pretty. Or maybe he will, and he'll get a talking-to from him/her and their friends, and he'll learn something.  

It's too easy to take offense to the blunt things our kids say to us. But I know what this song is really saying - that sexiness isn't about being tanned and toned or a fantastic dancer with perfect hair. It's about confidence. It's about being yourself and trusting that that is all you need to be. I'm sexy, and I know it. And I also know that with time, my kiddo will explore what pretty and sexy mean, and with his feminist, question-everything mom, I think he'll come up with a similar conclusion. I'm content to be his "little bit pretty" mom.

How do you feel when your kids comment on your appearance? How confident are you in yourself and in them?

the opposite of wishing

What would the opposite of a dandelion be? What would happen when you blow it - or would you inhale it, instead? Is there an opposite of wishing? Is it the elation of having (or being), or the in-between state of contentedness? Is it merely allowing life to unfold? 

midsummer mothering makeover

As we approach the half-way point of summer vacation, we're all burned out. Too much parent-child and sibling-sibling together time, too little creative flow, and it's not helped along by 106 degree days and an air conditioning system that can't support the size of our home (thanks, previous owners!). Mama is cranky, the kids are bickering and whining, and everybody is just DONE.

Today while my husband takes the kids to the blessedly-indoor, totally-kid-friendly rec center pool, I'm restoring my mojo so that I can go into the next week with a renewed sense of energy and patience. A little laundry and housecleaning (organized home = clutter-free mind, ahhh), a little back-to-basics for my parenting ideals, and a little time without kids clinging to me and begging for treats. 

I almost hate to admit it, but I have still never managed to read Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting cover-to-cover. It seems like the best books are the ones that I can never find time to read when I really need them. While searching for something else, I stumbled upon the image on the left, which led me to a 2009 New York Times article, "When a Parent’s ‘I Love You’ Means ‘Do as I Say'" (a sentiment with which I am altogether too familiar). Tha author? None other than Mr. Kohn. Good reminder of my core values. I would recommend it both to parents who already believe that "unconditional parenting" is something to strive for, as well as those who currently favor time-outs and other mainstream parenting methods based in punishments and rewards. Once again, UP is at the top of my neverending to-read list. 

One thing I'm hoping to glean from reading the book is an idea of what the hell to do when I really, really want or need obedience. I tend to stress family collaboration and gentle guidance over a "do what I say, when I say it" approach, and I'm completely on board with the long-term benefits of this, both in terms of raising indepedent, moral, responsible adults and also ixn terms of establishing and preserving a health relationship between parents and children. The thing is, sometimes I need (want?) people to just DO WHAT I SAY. Sometimes my patience runs out for explaining something for the millionth time, or waiting forever for a seat belt to be buckled. Sometimes I need a kid to just plain STOP PESTERING HIS BROTHERS. NOW. Setting limits is important, yes. Setting realistic limits - those that are age-appropriate and not excessively controlling - is key. And we have those limits. But how do you enforce those limits without shaming, blaming, nagging, yelling, punishing, or rewarding? How do you avoid getting angry and mean with a kid who is pushing your buttons in hundred-plus-degree heat for the eight thousandth time this week? Can you have your disciplinary cake and eat it, too? 

A new resource to me (new, as in, just found it today) is Aha! Parenting, created by Dr. Laura Markham (no, not that other awful Dr. Laura). I'm hoping it can be a practical, dip-into-as-needed companion to an underlying foundation of compassionate parenting. Her two-point philosophy meshes well with mine:

1. Children who feel connected WANT to cooperate. They need guidance -- limits with empathy when necessary -- but never punishment.  When they can't connect and cooperate, it's because they need our help with their emotions.

2. Job One for parents is managing our own emotions,  so we can help our children manage theirs.

YES YES YES, although I might put #2 first, it's that important. Handling your own emotional shit - both the in-the-moment stuff and the old-baggage stuff - is quite possibly the most important part of being a parent. Or of just being an adult. THE MOST IMPORTANT. Everything else - literally, everything - flows from that. 

Ok, so back to my current too-hot, too-bored, too-grumpy family: I was surprised to see that Dr. Laura, in an article about the importance of boredom for children, suggests that when a kid whines about being bored, you give them your undivided attention and some connection for five minutes. What? I'm fully on board with not overscheduling kids, as suggested previously in the article. We keep extracurriculars to a minimum and typicaly don't do "summer camp" types of programs. But I was under the impression that telling a kid to go make their own fun, and not giving them a ton of attention, was constructive when a kid is bored. What Markham is suggesting is not that we solve their boredom issue, but just that we check in with them, refill their emotional tank. And that is exactly what I have not been doing enough lately. It's hard to connect with kids when you are also too-hot, too-bored, and too-grumpy, but that's exactly when it's time to go back to Job #1, get over your hot/bored/grumpy shit, and tune in. If they want more, it's probably because they need more. If they're filled up, they'll be able to entertain themselves. 

Except for boredom issue #2: screen time. Yeah, in theory, we limit it. And in practice, it's hard to stick with that during a hot hot HOT summer. It's easy to say yes to one more video or computer game. And that's when Markham blew my mind for a second time. I know about neurotransmitters. I know that we can get addicted to things like carbohydrates, which give our brains these little boosts of dopamine that makes us feel oh so good and make us crave more. I didn't know that "electronics (Ipads, phones, computers, video games) are designed to produce little “dopamine” rewards in our brains as we interact with them. This “screen time” can be so enjoyable that other experiences pale in comparison." There's my Aha! moment. You really can be addicted to video games, even when they're played in moderation. And kids who regularly use electronics are more likely to feel bored than children who don't. Wowza. We need to do something to break that addiction.  

All right, but what about the things that drive us to say OK to screen time, to begin with? Long days spent inside due to heat advisories, kids who are inactive, bored, and bickering, touched-out parents. How do you keep everybody's tank full and your own needs covered when you have SO MUCH time together, without resorting to the screen? Those screens are a tempting solution when everybody needs some down time and won't stop picking at each other, or when a tired parent wants to be left alone for a while. 

I think perhaps I'm focusing too much on the what-do-we-do-once-we're-stuck and not enough on preventing getting stuck to begin with, maybe?  From an Aha! article: "if he seems hellbent on trouble, he's asking for your help."  Yeah. I know this. It should probably be my mantra for a while. It's not about obedience. It's about feeling connected enough to each other, whole enough, so that we feel good cooperating with each other and finding interesting things to do. 

What are your summertime mantras? What keeps everybody's tank full so that you don't run into the touched-out, worn-out, too-bored crankies?  What helps everybody to co-exist peacefully? 

security blankets and the magic zone

A friend posted this image on Facebook last week, bemoaning how stuck in her comfort zone she has been lately. I identified with the drawing, and recognized myself as moving out of my comfort zone lately and into the magic sphere. These things tend to happen in cycles - hibernate, create, hibernate, create, et cetera.

But then, later, I realized that the image wasn't quite right. You don't have to leave your comfort zone to find magic! Magic can be found in everyday, normal, boring things. Enjoying a book under snuggly covers on a winter morning can be magic. Hot chocolate with marshmallows can be magic. A child's goodnight kiss can be magic. There are other, bigger magics that can also happen well within the confines of one's comfort zone.  

There's also a tone to this image and the comments from those who linked and re-linked it that struck me as sad. There's a stigma attached to remaining in your comfort zone. If you're really living your life, the assumption goes, you'll force yourself outside of your happy security-blanket space and into the really real world. If you're not experiencing magic, you must not be brave enough, ambitious enough, energetic enough, zen enough, rested enough, balanced enough. If you're not experiencing magic, you must not be terribly good at this whole life thing.

That's just crazy, shame-y talk. Magic is all around us, both inside our safety zone and outside of it waiting for us to push ourselves a bit. Sometimes it's a good thing to face a challenge and discover something new, and sometimes we need to be in a place that is all about hibernation and not at all about seeking out wild, unexplored territory.

With that in mind, I recreated the graphic:

They're not separate spheres. Push yourself to move outside of your comfort zone, hole up in a safe non-magic-y space, or dwell happily in the overlap. It's up to you. There is no wrong way to do it.

a brand new week...

everything is possible today

you are everything you need to be

you are wholesome and good

(and fabulous, beautiful, lovely and lovable)

you can live your life full and free 

moments

Catching up on the family blog (finally up to June...ugh). Looking at forgotten springtime photos is lovely on this chilly autumn day.

*******************************************************************************************

moments...

 

in which you find tiny things left by strangers to brighten your day

 

in which you explore the fun of sticks - as a human or as a puppy

 

in which you discover something new 

 

in which you just plain recover

 

(you can take as many as you need)

 

in which

you feel

free

 

(have a moment)

word of the day 186/365: rest

a day for doing very little of importance

word of the day 183/365: unlimited

"When someone projects expectations onto me because of who they think I am... and expects and depends me to be someone I'm not going to be because of that... I stand firm and kind and let it drop at my feet. I don't owe anyone anything that is not the real me." - RR, friend of JT, via Facebook

I hope, pray, dream that my children will always feel free to be their authentic selves.  I hope that if somebody wants to oppress them with a warped vision of who they are, that they will have the wisdom to recognize it as a false image and the courage to walk away...even if the oppressor is me.

word of the day 168/365: heavy

Sometimes the burdens we carry for them are figurative.  Sometimes they are very, very literal.  What matters most is not that we do it without complaining, but that we do it at all.  I cannot think of a single time when I later regretted carrying the rock that was too heavy for them to bear.

word of the day 163/365: present

You know that kindof inane phrase, "your presence is your present"?  It's usually used as an awkward way of telling people, regardless of what Emily Post may have to say on the matter, that you'd rather they not bring a gift to your party.  I've probably been guilty of uttering it if not actually printing it (*gasp*, never!).  But today I actually gave that gift.  I was worn-out, broken-down, and depressive, and I just plain didn't want to go to a previously-arranged engagement, no matter how much fun it might be or how much I love the woman organizing it.  But I made myself go because it's simply no fun to set something up and have people not show. 

And while I was there, I tried not to get too hung up on how utterly ridiculous I look on skates after approximately 25 years (and I sucked then, too).  I let it be whatever it was. I left behind all my daily worries and my earlier exhaustion. I was present physically and emotionally, and also present through my lens.  It's not the kind of present you can exchange, so I hope she liked it!