spark

a little while does fortune smile

Following stress reactions (early stress fractures) in both shins, I'm on the long road toward building back up to my previous strength and endurance. This morning I took a 2-mile half-jog-half-walk (run 1/8 mile, walk 1/8 mile) in my neighborhood and the local elementary school's track and vita course, and toward the end I stopped to do some back extensions on the parallel bars. Face-down to the mulch, I spotted a little shred of paper that turned out to be a fragment from a fortune cookie. 

At first, I was bummed that it was incomplete, but then I realized that I knew what the fortune was. I had received it in a cookie years ago, and saved it, and later created a notecard with it, and I still haven't found the right occasion to use the card. 

Thinking about this phrase eventually led me to the middle stanza of John Byrne Leicester Warren, Lord de Tabley's poem Fortune's Wheel:

A little while did Fortune smile

On him and her and me:

We sang along the road of life

Like birds upon a tree.

(The first and third stanzas are about lost love, but those are unimportant to these musings.)

Motherhood - and life in general - have been frustrating lately. There are so many things that must be done or that I want to do, and so many distractions, and also so much about the developmental stages my kids are in that bogs us down and prevents me from doing all the other things I must do or want to do. The youngest is very clingy and whiny right now. The middle son is absentminded and needs to have somebody make direct eye contact and keep him on task. The oldest is preteen and moody and both pushing away from his parents and desperately in need of them. 

But this, too, shall pass. The frustrating stuff, and also the good stuff that hides under it. I might not have time for everything, but there are things more precious than my time, and first among those is the truth of who we all are right in this moment.  The wants and needs are never going to go away, so I need to set aside time every day in which I tell all the wants and needs to bite me, and just focus on the truth of the hour and the people in front of me. 

What are the precious truths confronting you right now?  How do you interpret "truth is more precious than time"? 

"i would hate christmas without christ" - an atheist's take on holiday sanity and welcoming in the light

I felt sad when I saw this yesterday. As a previously-Catholic/Christian person, I can relate to feeling this way. But as a person who now celebrates Christmas in a purely secular way, I see another side. So this statement didn't contain truth, to me:

"Without Christ, Christmas would be a massive list of obligations and to-dos. It would be a little goodwill and a whole lot of greed. It would be transitory peace found in a sugar coma or a pretty light display or a brief moment of entertainment."

Can we discuss this? It's true that consumerism and to-do lists can take over at this time of year (and any time of year), if we let them. But it's also true that this holiday is a cobbling-together of a lot of traditions from many different cultures and beliefs, all of which ultimately reflect the human need for a light in the cold darkness of wintertime. While Christ is that light for some, is it too much to ask that we consider that Christmas and the other winter holidays can also be a time of centeredness for those who don't believe in a deity, or who believe in another deity or deities?

The winter holidays are not only about religion. Their roots tap into something universal, a need to bring warmth to cold days, sparkle into long nights, and hope for the spring ahead. From this need come decorated evergreen trees, yule logs set ablaze, songs filling the night, cups of cheer, gatherings of friends and family, exchanges of gifts to express love. I would posit that you don't need to believe in one particular deity, or any deity at all, to tap into this. After all, those needs stretch into human history, long before our mythologies were born. All we really need is to keep our focus, which requires reflection and mindfulness. 

The author of the original "I Believe" piece, "I Would Hate Christmas Without Christ," finds that centeredness in Bible study. I don't. And chances are that some of you don't, either. 

Some of the ways that I fight stress and keep my mind on what Christmas means to me include:

Intentionality. Why do I do what I do? Do I follow a certain tradition out of a sense of obligation (to family, to friends, to myself, to my kids)? Do I truly want to perpetuate this particular tradition? When I find myself feeling stressed, I find that the stress is a clue to something that needs to change. Which leads to the next point...

Abstention. Stress often means it's time to say no to something; just don't do it. Give fewer gifts. Dicuss *not* exchanging gifts with some people. Bail out of a tradition you have never enjoyed. Skip a certain activity this year. That activity might even be one you love, but skipping it this year may enable you to enjoy everything else just a little bit more, and will make it even more special when you decide to revive it in some future year.

Conscious gift-giving. A bunch of years back, somebody introduced me to this little rhyme as a mantra of sorts for gift-giving: "Something you want, something you need, something to wear, and something to read." It's simple, easy to remember, and helps to put some boundaries on your gift-giving that prevent going overboard or finding "just one more thing". It's easy to know when to stop shopping/making when you have a clear goal in mind. I have always felt strongly about choosing gifts that truly fit the recipient, because that act of thoughtful giving says "you are seen and known and loved," and I like how that approach to gifting fits with the rhyme. I find that it's easier to get ideas through the year when I'm thinking, "oh, that would be a perfect 'something to wear' for Griffin."  It's also easier to plan gift-giving with this framework - Dan and I can sit down to brainstorm and know what kind of ideas we want, and we can clearly see when we're finished. Some side benefits: it's helpful to parents who want to make sure that siblings feel like they're treated fairly/equally, and it's also helpful to grandparents who might need encouragement to lavish a slightly smaller pile of gifts on their loved ones. 

Your conscious gift-giving scheme might take a different form, but I highly recommend having one.  

Perspective. It's easy to get wrapped up in the "everything must be perfect!!!"  mindset. But think for a moment. When a friend gives a gift to you, do you critique the wrapping? Sure, if it's extra-pretty you admire it, but ultimately, you don't think less of them if it's not clever and intricate. And it gets ripped up, anyway, right? When you visit people, I'm sure you enjoy their decor, but if their home is less-decorated, does that really impact your happiness, or is it their company that you enjoy?  When you're stressing out about creating a fantastic holiday for somebody, talk to yourself for a moment - what would really happen if you didn't do all of it? Which parts are most likely to be truly enjoyed? And would you really think less of a loved one who didn't do all of that stuff? It's awesome to exercise your creativity and create elaborate traditions and decor and food and plans...but if it's weighing you down, ask yourself, does it really matter in the long run? Is it worth trading your peace of mind and subjecting those around you to your stress?

Focus. Ultimately, why do you do what you do? I'm willing to bet that it comes down to loving somebody, wanting to make the world a better place, enjoying some aspect of winter. Hold those things in the front of your mind. Let unnecessary things fall away. The best holidays in my life have been the most simple or the most fly-by-the-seat of your pants. There was the year when my family couldn't afford a purchased tree and simply cut a scraggly white pine from our back yard. We had just a few gifts, mostly homemade, under the tree. The sense of appreciation of what we have and of connectedness to each other was strong. And there was also the year when my eldest son was born, when our family gathering was thrown into disarray by his birth. Everybody slowed things down, went with the flow, and we celebrated together a day later. It was not what we had planned, and it was perfect.  

"We're so busy watching out for what’s just ahead of us that we don’t take time to enjoy where we are..."   -Calvin and Hobbes

For many people, thinking about the birth of a savior and holy scriptures helps them to find their center. But to say that without Christ, they would hate Christmas and be lost in consumerism and stress strikes me as a tad histrionic and lacking in perspective. The truth is, if they didn't believe in Christ, they would find ways to slow down, to appreciate what they have, to simplify their plans and make them more enjoyable. Without Christ, there are still loving families and friends who want to show how thankful they are for each other. There are still people working toward caring for the sick and the poor and thinking about good will for all humankind. There can still be a focus on values and tradition rather than on dollars spent and hours in the kitchen. 

None of us need be condemned to suffering through the holidays, with or without Christ.  Nor does a lack of belief in a deity mean that your holiday will be "a little goodwill and a whole lot of greed... transitory peace found in a sugar coma or a pretty light display or a brief moment of entertainment." If you don't believe me, take a moment this month to come share a cup of tea with this atheist on her back porch, and slow down for a while. One of my favorite quotes is this one, from John Greenleaf Whittier: "somehow, not only for Christmas but all the long year through, the joy that you give to others Is the joy that comes back to you." We all feel the need for connection and light, and we can all be that light for each other. As we pass by the 21st, we all start turning our faces toward the sun, and celebrating the hope for spring, whatever name we give that hope. 

Namaste, and may you have a wonderful Chanukah, Yule, Christmas, Kwanzaa, Solstice, Festivus, or whatever holiday is close to your heart. What do you do to keep your focus and protect yourself from being overtaken by stress?

be like water

While browsing in a Kennebunk gift shop, the mug caught my eye. "Be like water," the small white text on its side read. At that moment, in the middle of a long Maine vacation, it evoked other phrases like "go with the flow." Be easygoing, be open to whatever happens, allow yourself to drift on the current.

Although I didn't really need yet another coffee mug, I allowed myself to be seduced by the charm of the color and the phrase and the smooth feel of the cup in my hand, and left the shop with it nestled in tissue in a bag hanging off my arm. 

Once home in Virginia again, I filled it with warm, creamy coffee and sat in my living room with a book. Griffin approached, read the mug, and asked what it meant. Rather than tell him what I thought, I asked him what water is like, and how a person might have qualities like the water. He recalled a time last summer when the current in the James River nearly swept him away, and answered that water is strong, so being like water must mean to have strength. 

It interested me how his first thought was so different from mine, and I considered how many characteristics water might embody. While unpacking a box of vacation paraphernalia that afternoon, I uncovered some beach cobbles - rocks smoothed by centuries of being tossed in the waves. Each is different - speckled granite eggs, sparkling mica-flecked stones, pebbles cris-crossed with bands of contrasting minerals. If I were to take a lesson from these, it would be that water is persistent. It works slowly, over time. It does not tire. It is always present, sometimes ebbing, sometimes flowing, but as constant as the cycles of the moon.

I wrote these thoughts down and left them for a while. Then, today, while reaching for a cup for my coffee, I saw the mug again, and wondered what it might mean to me today. It is the day before Thanksgiving, and I just finished making the brine in which I will soak our turkey overnight, after the mixture has steeped and cooled. Brine is water full of delicious things that mingle together to make something savory and wonderful. It imparts its flavor to the turkey and makes it juicier, more delectable. How can I be like this water, the brine? I could fill myself with good things - new skills, self-care, good thoughts - and then let them percolate for a while before imparting the other people with whom I connect. What flavor do I want to give the world around me? This is especially appropriate as the holiday season begins, because I'm starting a small initiative that I'm calling "Comfort and Joy," the purpose of which is to make the world a less stressful, friendlier place through small practical acts of consideration for others. (Stay tuned for more about that or look for #ComfortAndJoy on Twitter.)

In the weeks and months and years to come, I know that this mug will continue to provoke meditation upon the many things to be learned from water. 

Be like water.

What does it mean to you, today?

the opposite of wishing

What would the opposite of a dandelion be? What would happen when you blow it - or would you inhale it, instead? Is there an opposite of wishing? Is it the elation of having (or being), or the in-between state of contentedness? Is it merely allowing life to unfold? 

your representatives in action, against women's rights

 

I have spent much of my time in the past two weeks lobbying and protesting against a group of bills proposed by conservative republicans in the Virginia House and Senate. The journey has been grueling and energizing, celebratory and disapointing, and at virtually all times, marked by an increasing feeling of alarm at just how broken our legislative system really is.

The first bill entered into the Virginia House this year, by republicans who gained their seats via platforms based on jobs and the economy, was HB1, the "personhood" bill granting full rights under the law to fertilized human eggs / embryos / fetuses. There were also several other TRAP (targeted regulation of abortion provider) bills, including the most infamous, HB462. This bill mandates ultrasounds for women seeking abortion, which would require a transvaginal ultrasound for the majority of these women, since transabdominal ultrasound is generally unable to detect a fetal heartbeat in the first 10+ weeks of pregnancy. These laws, which strip women of their reproductive rights and dictate standard of care to physicians, made Virginia the laughingstock of the nation. 

 

I have been honored to stand beside many intelligent, brave women and men this week and last week as we protested these bills outside the General Assembly, were present at committee meetings, encouraged activism via online and other interpersonal channels, and watched House and Senate proceedings from the galleries inside the Capitol. HB1 died in the Senate Education and Health committee. The House passed by HB1285, which seeks to make abortion unlawful after 20 weeks gestation for most pregnancies; an identical Senate bill, SB637, died in committee. SB484, the Senate version of the ultrasound bill, was withdrawn by its patron. This morning, the Senate Finance Committee passed by HB62 indefinitely; this bill would have repealed Medicaid coverage of abortion procedures in which the fetus had been shown to have physical or genetic abnormalities. 32 women requested this coverage in the past two years. The cost to the state is minimal when compared to the cost of continued medical care of the mother and baby and theraputic, early intervention, and special education services for the child. The bill would also result in women who could not afford the procedure being forced to carry these pregnancies to term, against their will. Despite comments from one senator who doubted that there would be a significant fiscal effect on the Commonwealth of requiring women to carry their children with disabilities to full term (ignoring the medical care and special services these children will require, and the support their families may require), the bill was still passed by indefinitely, which kills it for this year. 

That left just one anti-woman, anti-civil-rights bill to defeat, and activists felt hopeful that it would die in the Senate today. Shortly before 2 pm, the Senate reconvened and shortly afterward, heard eight proposed amendments to HB 462 (the mandatory ultrasound bill). This bill had previously been amended by the house to soften the language, so that transvaginal ultrasounds would no longer be required to be performed, but are only required to be offered if a fetal heartbeat cannot be detected via transabdominal ultrasound. The physician is still required to perform a transabdominal ultrasound, required to make it viewable and audible to the pregnant woman, required to offer her the "opportunity" to view and hear it and receive a printed image, required to document whether or not she accepted these "opportunities", and required to keep a printout of the ultrasound image in the woman's chart for seven years. Governor McDonnell's "compromise" is anything but. It's still a TRAP law intended to make it more difficult for a woman to exercise her constitutional right to an abortion. 

While watching the news and observing the House of Representatives from their gallery, I was saddened by the disrespect shown by right-wing conservatives for their fellow legislators (Del. Albo repeatedly evaded a question while insinuating that the questioner, a democrat, was some kind of idiot or harasser) and for women (see Del. Albo's story about his wife, accompanied by a porn soundtrack, and Santorum supporter Foster Friess' disgusting aspirin-between-the-knees contraceptive advice). I was alarmed by the excessive response of the police to a peaceful protest and annoyed by the dismissive, canned response of the police chief. I was frustrated by the unconstitutional, authoritarian rules of the Capitol grounds and the Senate and House galleries. 

Yet somehow, I believed that logic and good old American freedom would prevail. I believed the word of my husband's business partner, Delegate O'Bannon, who said the bill would die in the Senate. I expected that Senator Saslaw's move to send the bill back to committee would be approved. It was not. What followed was a list of amendments offered by the democrats. Surely they would be accepted in a show of republican compromise, encouraged by a Governor with Vice Presidential aspirations, right?

Here are the amendments and their outcomes:

• Amendment 1: would prevent ultrasound being forcibly performed on a woman. Rejected 21-19
• Amendment 2: withdrawn by Senator Howell
• Amendment 3: exemption from ultrasound law for physician aware of genetic/chromosomal abnormality. Rejected 21-19
• Amendment 4: physician may enter note that the ultrasound was medically unnecessary, note remains in chart 7 years. Rejected 21-19
• Amendment 5: mandated insurance coverage of ultrasound. Tied 20-20, Lt. Governor voted nay, rejected. 
• Amendment 6: exemption for women who lack sufficient funds to pay for mandatory ultrasound. Tied 20-20, Lt. Governor voted nay, rejected. 
• Amendment 7: Commonwealth pays for the mandatory ultrasound; if the Commonwealth does not pay, the bill does not go into effect. Tied 20-20, Lt. Governor voted nay, rejected. 
• Amendment 8: exemption for women whose pregnancy is the result of rape or incest, if and only if a police report was filed for said rape or incest. Passed by voice vote.

So, just to get this straight: the only time a woman can be exempt from this mandatory ultrasound is if her pregnancy is the result of a rape or incest AND she reported the crime to the police. If she cannot pay for the ultrasound, if she and her physician already know the gestational age of the fetus, if she and the physician know that the baby will be profoundly impaired or incompatible with life, if her physician deems the ultrasound medically unnecessary - these are all insufficient reasons for forgoing the ultrasound, in the judgment of 21 members of the Virginia Senate. 

During discussion of Amendment 5, Senator Deeds pointed out the lack of funding for enforcement of this mandate. Senator Saslaw asked Senator Norment if he had ever, in his tenure, seen the legislature mandate a medical procedure. Norman evaded the question. Saslaw asked if Norman would consider this a mandate. Norman replied that he did not consider it abnormal. Again, an evasion. 

Before the Senate voted on the amended bill, a number of democrats stood to present their arguments against it. The following quotes and paraphrased statements are from my notes:

Senator Northam, a democrat from Norfolk who is also a pediatric neurologist and the only physician in the Senate, questioned Senator Martin, who was presenting the bill, regarding whether Virginia code contains ANY other mandate of diagnostic procedure prior to a surgical procedure. Senator Martin couldn't answer the question. Senator Northam asked whether there were any other state-mandated diagnostic procedure. Again, Senator Martin could not answer the question. Northam then questioned why the legislature does not mandate specific procedures to other types of surgeons.  As a side note, he added, "on the surface, this bill is about abortion," following up with the observation that if we want to decrease the incidence of abortions, we need to talk about education and access to both health care and contraception. (Study after study show increased use of contraception to decrease abortion rates, worldwide. Thanks to friend and Richmond family physician Mark Ryan for the links.)

Senator Northam stated, regarding HB462, "I consider that, as a physician, unethical." He discussed his years of training (four years of medical school, six years of post-graduate residency and fellowship), and the impact of this bill on a medical practice's ability to attract and hire new partners. Who would want to move to a state in which legislators dictate the standard of care to physicians? He indicated that the phrase "standard of care" is misused by Senators like Martin, and described the way that standard of care is established in medicine (hint: not by legislators). He concluded by declaring that the bill is not only unethical, but ridiculously unnecessary, proclaiming in exasperation, "I might as well do an ultrasound on this bottle of gatorade!" 

Senator Edwards stated that the goal of the legislature is not to violate our individual dignity. He reminded the Senate that this bill violates the constitutional right of a woman to a simple, safe, legal procedure. He also pointed out that the language of the bill was contradictory. The title is "HB 462 Abortion; informed consent, shall undergo ultrasound imaging". The phrase "informed consent" indicates that a patient has the right to accept or refuse a procedure. The word "shall" indicates a mandate. How can one mandate that a patient undergo a procedure in order to obtain their informed consent for another procedure?

Senator Barker reminded the Senate that less than 1.5% of all abortions occur during the second trimester. The vast majority of abortions would occur before a transabdominal ultrasound could provide meaningful information to the physician or patient.

Senator McEachin (my representative) stated, "Senators, we don't know what we're doing...we should leave the practice of medicine to doctors...we have no business practicing medicine."

Senator Howell commented, "it reflects an attitude that is demeaning of women" and said that the bill carries the "presumption...that the doctors don't know what they do." She quipped that before the House amendment making the transvaginal ultrasound optional, the bill was state rape, and that now it's just state assault. 

Senator Locke declared, "this legislation cannot be repaired or fixed; it must be defeated."

From a passionate, angry Senator Lucas, we heard, "desperate people do desperate things." She shared the sentiment expressed by so many pro-choice advocates through email and phone calls and visits this week, that the "arrogance of this body is an abomination." She shared her conviction that women denied access to abortion *will* seek illegal, unsafe ways to terminate their pregnancies, and insisted, "I would do whatever is necessary to keep you out of my business."

Senator Ebbin brought up the issue of incomplete miscarriage, and chided the bill's supporters, saying that it is "cruel to ask a woman to listen to a heartbeat that isn't there."

Finally, Senator Saslaw angrily advised the republican members of the Senate, "you might try voting the way you campaign," referring to campaign platforms based on smaller, less intrusive government, job creation, and fixing the economy. 

 

...and after all this, the bill went to a vote, and 19 republicans and 2 democrats voted in favor of passing the bill. They voted in favor of the bill after hearing from a physician that it was medically unethical and unnecessary. The voted in favor of the bill after being reminded of the small-government values they claimed to have during their campaigns. They voted in favor of the bill in the face of a lack of evidence supporting the bill and evidence that contraception is what reduces abortion. They voted this way because they think it's necessary for "informed consent," even after being told that this is not actually what "informed consent" means. They voted this way even though no other medical procedure is mandated by law, and even though it disregards women's autonomy, and even though it will affect women living in poverty more than it affects affluent women, and even though thousands of women and men directly told them that THIS IS NOT OK. 

This is not the government we want.

Here is the final breakdown of the vote:

Every Senator mentioned in this post is linked to his or her Senate information page. For those not listed, please refer to the Senate contact list.  The bill will go back to the House for approval of its amended form; it is expected to pass and Governor McDonnell has said that he will sign the bill into law. Contact your delegates in the House. Call and write to the Governor. DO IT NOW. It is unfortunate that since HB1 died in committee, the number of pro-choice, pro-civil-rights advocates at the Capitol has waned. We cannot stop. HB462 matters NOW. And the bills that failed to make it to a vote this year will come back next year. 

There will be a second silent protest this Saturday, March 3rd. I will be there. Will you? Show our legislators that this is NOT the American way to govern.

Every bill described above is linked to its legislative information page; read the bills, know what they say. THIS MATTERS. It's not just about women's rights, it's about human rights. It affects women and men, both through the direct results of these bills and also via the dangerous precedent they set regarding the dictation of medical practice by the Virginia legislature. So many women and men have come out to fight for freedom, but this work is exhausting and cannot be carried by them alone. This is YOUR life and YOUR country. Will you stand up to defend them?

security blankets and the magic zone

A friend posted this image on Facebook last week, bemoaning how stuck in her comfort zone she has been lately. I identified with the drawing, and recognized myself as moving out of my comfort zone lately and into the magic sphere. These things tend to happen in cycles - hibernate, create, hibernate, create, et cetera.

But then, later, I realized that the image wasn't quite right. You don't have to leave your comfort zone to find magic! Magic can be found in everyday, normal, boring things. Enjoying a book under snuggly covers on a winter morning can be magic. Hot chocolate with marshmallows can be magic. A child's goodnight kiss can be magic. There are other, bigger magics that can also happen well within the confines of one's comfort zone.  

There's also a tone to this image and the comments from those who linked and re-linked it that struck me as sad. There's a stigma attached to remaining in your comfort zone. If you're really living your life, the assumption goes, you'll force yourself outside of your happy security-blanket space and into the really real world. If you're not experiencing magic, you must not be brave enough, ambitious enough, energetic enough, zen enough, rested enough, balanced enough. If you're not experiencing magic, you must not be terribly good at this whole life thing.

That's just crazy, shame-y talk. Magic is all around us, both inside our safety zone and outside of it waiting for us to push ourselves a bit. Sometimes it's a good thing to face a challenge and discover something new, and sometimes we need to be in a place that is all about hibernation and not at all about seeking out wild, unexplored territory.

With that in mind, I recreated the graphic:

They're not separate spheres. Push yourself to move outside of your comfort zone, hole up in a safe non-magic-y space, or dwell happily in the overlap. It's up to you. There is no wrong way to do it.

what the world needs now

seen on the wall of la Escuela de Paraíso:

How to live together:

affability
patience
group decisions
justice
interaction (?)
love
truth
support
respect
positive desires
understanding
help
harmony
communication

diversity: let it shine

A friend of a friend recently contacted me to ask for my thoughts on helping children to embrace diversity among their peers. Because her starting-point had been gender expression, my responses to her - seen in edited form below - focused on that aspect of celebrating diversity. 

I think all kids struggle to some extent, some more than others, with wanting to blend with their peers. It can be a normal and healthy thing, but parents often notice, it can also undermine self-expression. My 8 year-old son Griffin sometimes feels more bold and sometimes makes the "safe" choices. He and I talk about how it's ok to make either choice, so long as you are aware of what you're doing and why you're doing it. Even we adults choose times to let our freak flags fly and other times to be a little more understated. 

When thinking about diversity and the gender conformity issue, I think perhaps the core concept is self-expression. Children should be free to make choices about their appearances and behaviors. Of course, personal expression that hurts another person (like hate speech or sexist imagery on a shirt) is something that parents absolutely should limit, while discussing why those particular forms of self-expression are harmful. But something like hair color, nail polish, the color of your shirt or lunchbox, whether you like to play with the girls or the boys, what kinds of activities you enjoy doing with your friends...all of those are healthy forms of self-expression for children and, in my opinion, schools have an obligation to provide a safe environment within which a child can continue to build and express his or her self-identity. 

In recent years, there has been a lot of media attention on bullying in schools. Gender policing - when children pick on others' choices because they fall outside the stereotypical roles assigned to that child's biological sex - is a type of bullying. How can schools support creative, authentic self-expression and discourage bullying?  Here are some the things that come to mind:

 

Education: eradicating the ignorance that feeds fear

Schools can provide education to both children and adults about gender expression. Many parents are concerned that crossing stereotypical gender lines reflects something negative about their child's emotional health, puts them in danger of future of gender identity/expressions that the parents find to be concerning or immoral, or puts them in danger of bullying from other children.

Regarding gender and orientation, it's important that parents understand that gender identity, gender expression, physical sex (chromosomal makeup, which organs you have), and sexual orientation are separate concepts. We tend to lump them all together and many families don't understand anything beyond gay/straight. Learning about these different aspects of who a person is can be very helpful in parenting a particular child. Understanding gender and sexuality can also help us to reduce fear by understanding that their choices reflect who they are rather than determining who they are, and by removing the fear that comes from ignorance of human diversity. 

Children and adults can also both benefit from education about standing up for one's own choices. Knowing how to talk to others about your choices can reduce avoidance of self-expression out of fear of bullying. Furthermore, both adults and children can benefit from education regarding bullying prevention. Too much time is spent, in my opinion, dealing with the after-effects of bullying rather than modeling acceptance of others and teaching children how to communicate respectfully. (See Marshall Rosenberg's NonViolent Communication)

 

Modeling: be the change you wish to see

It's not enough for the adults to say "we accept diversity." Children must see that adult behavior corresponds to that claim.

Adults need to make sure they are not avoiding discussing diversity. We have a desire to be "colorblind" and not draw attention to differences of skin color, cultural practices, gender expression, religion, sexual orientation, body shape, and ability. Our kids are noticing those differences and they want to talk about them! By omitting mention of them we think we're treating everyone equally, but research says otherwise. "Colorblind" education actually reduces sensitivity toward and ability to confront meaningful race differences. It can be argued that this goes beyond race and would apply to all issues of diversity and discrimination. 

Teachers can be aware of how their classroom choices reflect their own assumptions about gender and how those assumptions affect their students. This could include (but is not limited to) providing gender-neutral choices or choices that are open to all children regardless of gender (e.g., not assigning boys to bold colors and the girls to pastel colors), thinking about creative ways to divide into teams rather than boys vs. girls, and being conscious of the way men/boys and women/girls are shown in classroom materials. 

Parents and teachers can both serve as models of acceptance of other people's self-expression by providing open options to all children, not making a big deal out of gender non-conforming behaviors, and showing a willingness to question assumptions about self-expression. Adults can also notice whether their own behaviors - especially their comments to children - serve to reinforce gender stereotypes. 

 

Collaboration: adults as children's allies

Children sometimes need assistance in gently confronting gender-policing behavior. This could take the form of saying "is that true?" and "let's think about that" when children say that "this is for girls" or "that is for boys". Comments like these, or something like "Pink is Griffin's favorite color, what's your favorite color?" can start discussion about the assumptions children make and free all children to make their own choices while derailing gender-policing behaviors. Adults can also address other adults who are policing gender by offering their own family's experiences with self-expression. Sometimes knowing that an acquaintance's child also likes nail polish or playing with fairy dolls is reassuring, and sometimes hearing another adult say "you know, I struggled with that worry, too, and realized that there was no actual threat, and that I was squashing my kid's self-expression" can open up avenues to new ways of thinking about and viewing children.

 

Truly embracing diversity would have to address education for adults and children, adults modeling what they say, children being empowered to express themselves, thoughtful selection of classroom/school materials and methods, and all people having access to communication skills such as Rosenberg's nonviolent communication. 

I'd like to live in a world in which I never overhear a father say "you can't have the Diego [toys], they're for boys" in a store, or a mother say "I hope you haven't had a pedicure, I'd have to worry about you" to her son. That's a world in which kids are a little more free to be themselves and celebrate who they are and what they like, where they don't learn from us how to shame and bully each other, and in which, because they can accept themselves, they can also accept each other.

love your tree / different is normal / fuck it!

During the last couple of years I've done a lot of thinking (or more than usual - it's not like I just started) about women's bodies, body image, health, and societal norms. This has led to some interesting conversations and revelations in both online and offline life with friends, Twitter acquaintances, local artists, and others. There are some incredible things happening in Richmond right now that I'm looking forward to sharing in the future. 

Right now, I'm working on Susan Singer's body image survey. She's looking for more women to participate, so go! 

In the past few days, these videos have caught my attention. Great messages! 

"Do you think that this tree isn't pretty because it doesn't look like that tree?"

This video from Planned Parenthood is aimed at teens, but I think many adults need to hear that "different is normal," too. I wish more teenagers had access to the kind of education that PP can provide. Less abstinence-only sex ed, more copies of Taking Charge of Your Fertility. 

In case you weren't already aware, Planned Parenthood is under attack by many of our elected officials. If you're one of the people who thinks PP is some kind of immoral abortion factory that must be shut down, please educate yourself regarding what important services they actually provide. If you already know about and value PP, go here to offer your assistance in the effort to make sure reproductive health services remain available to those who need them. 

On a lighter note, I've also had this one stuck in my head on auto-repeat.

Love the inclusion of stray hairs and stubble in the close-up shots. Here I thought I was the only one who looks worse shaven than not, thanks to sensitive skin. I've been crushng on Amanda Palmer lately, she who proclaims, "I don't believe in the beauty standard." 

I think this post marks the first time I've used profanity in a title. Yay, milestone moments. It's a tip o' the hat not only to Amanda Fucking Palmer, but also to the irresponsible media outlets who misreported the findings of a University of Arizona study showing that cussing helps to ease pain, but at a social cost. Multiple media sources who picked up the story reported that cussing women suffer socially more than men do. Hold on just a cotton pickin' minute, y'all. The study ONLY looked at women, so neither the researchers nor you can say anything about the effects on women vs. men. Not that it would surprise me at all that women would be more penalized for their language than men are. But until we see a study that clearly supports that claim, I'll thank the media not to create the very misogynist environment that they are supposedly reporting. 

good advice?

My friend Susan shares her struggles with parent-child boundaries today in "Grown up children and their parents" on her blog, Exploring Women's Bodies.  She includes a quote sent to her by a friend and attributed to Katherine Briggs, co-creator of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. The reported recipient of her words was her daughter, Isabel Briggs Myers, who was about 20 years old at the time. 

It is the PRIVILEGE of parents of grown up children to make suggestions; and it is the DUTY of the children to give serious consideration to those suggestions.

It is the PRIVILEGE of grown up children to make their own decisions; and it is the DUTY of the parents to respect and acquiesce in these decisions.

After writing a response, including applause for Susan's thoughtful decision not to burden her son with worries which were likely to impact him more negatively than positively, I felt the need to copy and share the rest of my comment as a separate post. Those thoughts follow:

Briggs' comment to her daughter is, in my opinion, vastly oversimplified. One cannot necessarily say what privileges all parents and children can or should have. There are few, if any, one-size-fits-all platitudes that can be applied to that relationship.

I might argue that having a relationship with one's adult child is a privilege in and of itself. A parent can earn this privilege, in part, by showing themselves to be a respectful person worthy of trust and capable of nonviolent emotional closeness. Much depends on the personalities of parent and child, too. Giving advice might or might not fit well into a particular parent-child dynamic. 

An adult child does not, in my opinion, have a duty to listen to or accept advice from his or her parent. All adults in all relationships have the right to say "I don't want to discuss this." While doing so might have negative effects on the relationship, it is the right of any person on the receiving end of advice to set their own boundaries. It is the duty of all people to respect the boundaries of others.

Making decisions about one's own adult life is not a privilege. It is a right. The only times I can think of when that right is removed is when the person has committed a crime punishable by the justice system, or when the adult is mentally incapacitated. 

I do agree that parents have a duty to respect and accept their adult child's decisions. However, the word "acquiesce" implies permission or allowing the child to make their own decisions. Permission doesn't play into it. The adult child has a right to make decisions, full stop. No permission needed. In fact, it would be terribly condescending and disrespectful for a parent to either grant or deny permission to their adult child for anything that does not directly affect the parent. 

Many times, I've pondered over what I will do when my children are grown. Under what circumstances should I give them advice? So far here's what I've arrived at:

1) I will give them advice when they ask for it, if I think I am qualified to give advice.

2) If I feel the need to offer advice, I will ask if I may advise them, and abide by their reply.

3) The only time I will give "pushy" advice that oversteps those boundaries is when I see clear, present, extreme, certain danger. Not something that I think *might* be dangerous, not a situation that *could* turn out poorly, not something that simply offends my own moral code, but REAL, BIG DANGER. I hope I never have a need to give that kind of advice.

Mostly, I hope to make the kind of decision that Susan has made - to recognize that my worries may do more harm than good to my child, and to find ways of handling my feelings other than to dump them onto my child. 

What do you think about duties, rights, and privileges, as they pertain to parent/child advice-giving? I invite you to continue the discussion on Susan's post.